October 27, 2008 approximately 0800pm

     I was sitting on the couch with my hair sticking out, my feet tucked under me, generally looking like a train wreck and feeling like crap after plodding through the evil night shift the previous day that will take a week to recover. A screwed up body clock plus PMS equals a very cranky girl.

     I was watching a rerun (was it Seinfeld? I dunno. I hate Seinfeld. Especially that Elaine woman, she’s sad and pathetic and somebody should just put her out of her misery. But I digress. Where was I..)

     From out of the corner of my eye, I saw Karl approaching. When he reached me, he took the remote from my hand and hit Mute.

     “Hey! What the f..?!” I stuttered to a stop as he got down on one knee, and took my left hand in his. He was wearing a big, goofy grin.

     “Oh, shit,” I blurted out, then fought the instinct to slap myself. Did I really say that out loud? In the back of my mind, I knew what was coming but I refused to believe it.

     “What’s wrong?” I asked in a small voice. “Did I do something? Are you leaving me? ARE YOU KICKING ME OUT?!” I was on the verge of hysteria and my heart was pounding in my chest. My hands suddenly felt very cold and I was nauseous. I could hardly breath. All the while I was thinking, Waitaminit he can’t kick me out, there’s no way he can afford the rent.

   “Tatum,” he begins, looking deep into my eyes. “The past year has been the best year of my life. Ever since I met you..” he went on and on and my vision started getting blurry. Everything looked veiled and this felt vaguely surreal. Was this what an out-of-body experience was like? From the knot twisting in my stomach, I doubt it. I hope it’s not indigestion, I worried. I was snapped back into reality when he clumsily reached into his pocket, pulled out a small cushiony jewelry box, and whipped it open.

     Inside was a ring with three brilliant diamonds. “..so will you marry me?” he finally said.

     I forced myself to exhale, not realizing I was holding my breath the whole time. ARE YOU CRAZY? It’s about time! my head screamed. “Yes! Of course I will,” I said, laughing and crying at the same time. I hugged him happily, tears streaming down my face. My vision cleared, and it dawned on me that my eyes must’ve been welling up with tears earlier. Judging from the happy smile on Karl’s face and the almost smug lookhe gave me, he knew there was no way I was gonna refuse.

     “Now you’ve made me cry!” I laughed, wiping my tears away. I smacked him playfully on the arm. He slipped the ring on my finger, and I noticed more diamonds dotting the band on either side. It was beautiful and I couldn’t stop looking at it for most of the night. The first person I told was my dad (who, disappointingly enough, yawned at the news. I guess the rest of my family wasn’t too surprised either). Then I phoned Mateo and Marie.

     And so began the happiest day of my life..

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I  overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and  speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time..

      Today, I went to the dentist. The Boyfriend was kind enough to go to work an hour later so he could take me (more to make sure I actually went). Also, his office was conveniently in the same building as the dentist's. I walked in in a plaid short sleeve blazer with a white tube top underneath, low-rise denim jeans, and five-inch-heel Steve Madden platforms. Why, The Boyfriend asked as my ankle twisted precauriously on a steep incline, was I dressed to the nines going to the dentist? I mumbled something incoherent as I steadied myself crossly. The truth was, the only real answer to that is "Only through pain will you have beauty" or the classic shit "Beauty is painful" but I didn't know how a guy who went to work in a hoodie and camouflage shorts whose crotch went down to his knees would respond. Besides, I looked FABULOUS. 
     I knew this visit wasn't going to be fun as soon as I felt the chair recline and the hygienist leaned over my head weilding the choice instrument of torture: a small, stainless steel metal hook. Relentlessly, she bent over me as she poked, prodded and scraped away at my teeth and gums. I felt the sharp, metallic taste of blood fill my mouth as she mercilessly dug away at the deepest, darkest caverns of my mouth. Next she hosed down my gums with water, asked me to swish, then suctioned the bloody water from my oral cavity. For an ENTIRE HOUR she poked, prodded, hosed, rinsed, and suctioned. The whole time I was thinking "I'm gonna kill Karl if I ever get out of this", for he had helpfully remembered to check my work schedule online and book me this appointment. For a brief moment, I wondered if he secretly got a kick out of this or if I had ever done anything I wasn't aware of to hurt him for me to put me through all of this just to teach me a lesson. My jaw was starting to hurt and I was drooling buckets. I was miserable.
     After what seemed like eons, I finally sat up. I opened and closed my mouth, feeling as if a hole had been drilled right throught the back of my head. The dentist walks in, snaps on some gloves and cheerily requests me to open my mouth. Again?! I wanted to yell. Obediently, I opened my already throbbing mandibles as he stuck his fingers in insied and pressed the swollen gums in the back of my mouth.
     "You need to come back in four months for me to pull this out, ok?" he smiled at me, as if Christmas were coming early.
     "Ok." Dammit. 
     As I was checking out, the receptionist scrawled "Nov.17, 2pm" on a sticky and handed it to me with a flourish as a reminder of my appointment. "See you soon," she grinned.
     As I stumbled out the door, I vaguely planned on conveniently forgetting to tell Karl about the follow up appointment. After all, Nov. 17 is our first year anniversary and the day after my birthday. But then again, knowing Karl, he'll probably call them to follow up on me. I didn't care much for that now. I drove away, sore mouth and fabulous heels and all, just glad I survived another trip to the dentist.

 I haven't blogged much since I came back, on account of my switching jobs and trying to move my stuff from my house to Karl's.

The one other thing that I've been busy with, though, is scrapbooking. 

My making a scrapbook of our vacation has kept my hands so busy I haven't reached for a cigarette til noon.

Oh, well. I guess it's true what they say. "Idle hands are the devil's playground."

My four-day vacation has flown by so quickly. Tomorrow, I'm back to work.

Love in a time machine

Resurrection

Yesterday, I made something I never thought I'd make: sugar-free cheesecake. And it was a smashing success! The Boyfriend loved it. I had to go out and get a handheld electric mixer and a springform pan (round baking pan that releases from the side and bottom), but for the guy who called out halfway through work to go home and take care of me when I was sick? Anything.

The Boyfriend gave me all the thanks I needed when the pie looked like this in less than 5 minutes.


Not much of a sight from here.

But sliced and dressed up with whipped cream and blueberries...





Unfortunately, the The Boyfriend had to have his plain, with no blueberries. So I loaded him up on the whipped cream. One tablespoon of blueberries with the syrup is his death sentence, but even though we nixed it, he was left full, grinning, and happy. Poor guy was always crazy about cheesecake, but ever since his diagnosis, it had taken every ounce of willpower he can summon to say no. It didn't come out perfect (I did maybe burn the sides and the crust crumbled pitifully), but I have plenty more time to perfect it, and maybe even have the courage to try out new sugar-free recipes.

I'm so proud.